Help Wanted

Major sports organization seeks ideal candidate to help nascent season. Currently experiencing a dearth of anticipated firepower, we are looking for the athletic equivalent of a good, swift kick in the ass. The barbarians are at the gates, and they're such lovely gates that we'd really like to keep them intact. Charming locale, dynamic population, great food -- all this could be yours. Come hit a home run with us! (No, really, please come hit a home run...now.)